Holding on to You
by Pixiella
Summary: I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to say it out loud. Especially not to Jay. Not to my best friend, even though I knew he would find it out anyway tomorrow night when I would be making it official in Raw. My retirement… *E&C one shot*


**Title**: Holding on to You

**Author**: Pixiella

**Beta**: Microsoft Works

**Fandom**: WWE/pro wrestling

**Genre**: Drama, Angst

**Rating**: T

**Main characters**: Edge & Christian

**Summary**: _I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to say it out loud. Especially not to Jay. Not to my best friend, even though I knew he would find it out anyway tomorrow night when I would be making it official in Raw. My retirement…_

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing except the plot, all the characters belong to the WWE, Vince McMahon, themselves and/or whoever it is that owns them at some level. I don't, that's for sure. Also not making any profit out of making and publishing this, this is made just for pure fun. …And insanity.

**A/N**: I'm just trying to deal with the whole Edge's retirement thing. And with a writers block that ain't exactly an easy thing to do. :p

And sorry for all the grammar and spelling mistakes, English is not my first language. Still, I hope you read and review the story and let me know what I should do with it. All kind of feedback is really highly appreciated.

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><p>"Dude, what is it?" Jay asked, sending me a somewhat confused look. I didn't bother to answer anything, I only turned my eyes away from him. "I see that everything is not alright. Talk to me, bro."<p>

"It's nothing, really," I only managed to answer, trying to hold my teary voice down. I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to say it out loud. Especially not to Jay. Not to my best friend, even though I knew he would find it out anyway tomorrow night when I would be making it official in Raw. My retirement…

"Oh please, you think I believe that?" I heard him snort, and from the corner of my eyes I saw Jay crossing his arms over his chest. "We have been best friends for… What, almost 30 years now? I think you know how easily I can see through you and your lies, man."

With a sigh I started to walk away from the hospital doors, Jay quickly following me. I had myself checked in the hospital that Sunday night after realizing my arms were once again starting to act uncontrollably. Of course I hadn't told anyone about it, when Jay asked me why I was going to visit the hospital I just told him I was going to get some sleeping pills. Only few people knew about my numb and trembling arms and what caused it, so of course I didn't want to worry people by telling them that the symptoms had returned - it would be better if no one knew about it.

Well, of course until I heard that those symptoms were the ones that were going to end my career the following night. _"It could result in paralysis or ever death." _That's exactly what the doctor told me.

"So are you going to tell me or not?" Jay's annoyed voice asked behind me, making me stop. I examined the half-empty parking lot in front of me, trying to remember when I had parked my rental car or what the car even looked like this time. The only thing I remember was that it was red.

I felt a hand lower it down on my shoulder, making my face turn to look over my shoulder straight to Jay. "Dude, this wasn't really about sleeping pills… Was it?"

The silence that fell between the two of us felt like an eternity. I could hear the cold wind blowing around us, I could feel how the sensitive snowflakes started to drop down from the sky, I could almost hear them as they got stuck in our blonde hairs…

I gently pushed his hand away from my shoulder, trying to send him an encouraging smile, failing miserably as I once again felt the corner of my eye starting to pack up with hot, salty tears. "Everything is perfectly in control, Jay."

"It's… It's not!" Jay pouted again, it was almost like he could see the tears in the corner of my eyes. But at the same time I knew it was impossible, even for him. Maybe he knew I was lying, but there was no way he would be seeing me crying - of course it wouldn't be the first time, but this wasn't the kind of situation I wanted to let Jay see me crying. There was just no way I was going to let that happen. All the crying was saved for tomorrow night to the Raw backstage after I would have made my early retirement clear to the whole WWE Universe.

It wasn't going to happen tonight.

"Believe whatever you want," I stated after turning my back to him again and as secretly as possible wiping the corners of my eyes clear from the tears, "But it's nothing more than just a bottle of sleeping pills. Now do you remember where I parked the car…?"

"I'm not telling you," Jay just continued to pout, making me sigh before I wiped my hands through my bit wet hair. Of course he needed to be hard and childish right now of all times, when I didn't need it at all. "I'm not telling before you tell me what is going on. I can clearly see that not -"

"You have said it already," I groaned, taking a quick turn toward him while stuffing my hand into my right coat pocket, picking up a bottle of sleeping pills I had with me - just in case that everything would actually be alright and I would indeed be in the need of getting more sleeping pills. "And see, here is the bottle I got. Can we just please go now?"

"Dude, relax, you don't have to be so overdramatic about things," Jay stated with roll of eyes, snatching the bottle from my hand and started to examine it. I didn't bother to pay attention to him so I started to look over the parking lot again in order to find our car. "…But do you care to tell me why this bottle has the expiration date of two weeks ago and only three pills in it?"

I felt the shiver run down my spine as soon as I registered what he was asking. I slowly turned to face my best friend again, watching the confusing and demanding look on Jay's face - he was going to get his answer out of me, no matter what it would took from him.

"I… Uh, I…"

"If this isn't about sleeping pills, then what is it? What is so… Horrible that you can't tell me about it?"

"_It could result in paralysis or ever death,"_ the doctors voice immediately called inside my head. Biting my lips I was on the edge of two options - whether I would say it out loud to him, tell him what was really going on or I would pull a sweet, white lie out from the thin air and try to make him believe in it. Of course Jay would find out the truth tomorrow night after all, but still…

"I -" I only had time to answer as I pushed my hands from the cold air into my coat pockets, immediately the rough piece of paper touching the palm of my hand. I shot my eyes down to the pocket as I picked the paper in my hand, picking it out to the view. It was the first mistake I made.

The second one was being too slow to realize what was happening as Jay all of a sudden appeared right there next to me, ripping the paper from my hand and started to read it himself.

Still biting my lower lip I watched as his head suddenly shot up, his eyes locking from the paper to my own eyes, widening as he repeated the one, most important word from the doctor's statement.

"Neuropraxia…"

"I'm sorry, man," was the only thing I got out from my mouth. Jay kept staring me with his huge, kind of scared eyes before shooting them down back to the paper in his hand, then back to me and back and forth between the paper and myself, before his eyes finally stopped on me and he shoved the paper back into my hands.

"Why… Why didn't you…"

"I didn't want to worry you, dude." Well, it was the truth and I knew Jay was aware of it himself now as well. He was pretty scared the first time the symptoms of neuropraxia had appeared, so I just didn't wanted to keep him safe this time. Well, it was pointless since I was going to make it official deal tomorrow night anyway, but the later, the better it would have been.

"I… I know that. But…" Jay's eyes started to travel around us, through the empty parking lot and up to the snowy, dark sky before they landed back to me, a weak shimmering of a set of tears in his eyes clearly visible. "Does that then mean that… You are going to… Leave us?"

"Unfortunately, yes."

That was everything I needed to say before Jay all of a sudden leaped forward, wrapping me into a tight hug. I lost my balance instantly and we fell backwards - to a pile of soft snow. I felt Jay's arms around me, so I didn't really have any other possibility than to hug him back. I felt his tears soaking my brand new muffler, but right then I didn't really care. My best friend in the whole world had just heard probably the worst news possible, so I didn't care whether or not it was his tears that were ruining it.

"But I can't roll without you," he whispered through his tears. I felt how tears slowly started to grow back into my eyes as well as I carefully pushed us up into a sitting position, my hand starting to carefully pet through his short, blond hair. "What will happen to E and C now, just when we… We…"

"It's going to be alright, I swear," I whispered back to him, letting the tears freely drop down along my cheeks. Of course I didn't know what was going to happen from this point forward, only one thing was sure now… I wouldn't be able to compete ever again. "I'm not going to let you roll alone. Ever."

Hugging him even tighter, wetting his short hair with my tears, I couldn't help a small smile climbing on my lips. Maybe I was going to retire tomorrow night, maybe I was going to lose the job I loved so badly, after fourteen long years… But I definitely still had the one best friend in the whole world and nothing was going to take that away from me. Ever.

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><p><strong>AN: I have my way of dealing with two things at once.. The whole Edge's retirement thing (which struck me really hardly, you know...) and my writer's block. I could have done better job with this one, I know that, but things just went the way they did and there is pretty much nothing I can do about it.**

**All kind of feedback is appreciated. Love and peace out, and take care all you Edgeheads out there~ **


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